I think I'm a breastfeeding snob.....

It's not that I judge people for the choice to formula feed as opposed to breastfeeding. Some people just aren't into it. Some people want to be able to take turns sleeping through the night. Some people just thing breastfeeding is gross. Some people truly have a hard time with breastfeeding (I should know since I was one of them!). But I think when people tell me it just didn't work for them I think that they just didn't try enough and I try to offer my two sense and my experience with breastfeeding. I had a hell of a time starting out breastfeeding.

In Dominic's first 2-3 weeks I think we went to the lactation consultant 6 times. He was a sleepy eater and would just fall asleep before he was done and would take forever to eat and it seemed like he was permanently attached to my boob. On a good day its hard to get anything done with a newborn. But when there's this little person attached to your boob for 45 mins every couple of hours its nearly impossible to do anything but that. We started out with the lactation consultant because he didn't seem to be gaining enough weight. Turns out because he was falling asleep and I wasn't waking him up to finish eating. So they told me to supplement with formula for a few days with a feeding tube that attaches to the boob. Great. He gained weight like a champ but then because even though the feeding tube is slower than a bottle he was still able to eat way faster with it. So he didn't seem to be up for the work of just breastfeeding alone. So they got me to eventually try a nipple guard. Great. He started eating really great and it was less and less difficult to get him to latch on. I would say for the first month though at least once a day I wanted to give up breastfeeding and was constantly worried about him getting enough (doesn't help every time he made a sound my partner and his mother would tell me he's hungry and we should give him a bottle).

But every day I got more confident that he was doing fine and every doctors appointment when they saw how much weight he was gaining and how quick he was growing was even more assurance that I made the right choice. After a month my doubts got less and less and I only felt like giving up once a week !  And after about 3 months I think I was completely confident that we were fine. I just kept saying one more week we'll stick it out until eventually all my doubts were gone. Now we're almost at 5 and a half months and going strong and looking into introducing solids in a couple weeks. With that though comes the dilemma over what to introduce first. Rice cereal (my doctor), Oat cereal (my aunt who worked for a pediatrician), or vegetables (Naturopath)??

Mother nature really dropped the ball on this whole teething thing..

So I had been so impressed with mother nature and how amazing this whole baby thing has been working out. Breastfeeding seems to have given me this bond with my baby that I can't describe, and just watching him grow and change every day puts a smile on my face. He'd been sleeping really great and I was feeling rested and really starting to feel like I'm getting the hang of this whole mother thing. Then the teething started.

Dominic went from sleeping for around 11 hours and would only wake up once to waking up every 2-3 hours and just was awake. This went on for 4 days straight. I still think I didn't have it too bad compared to some people. He was kind of more whiny and wanted to chew on everything he could get his hands on, but it was more he just couldn't sleep. So not only was he in pain and couldn't sleep, then he was cranky because he hadn't had a good sleep, and of course he had a diaper rash that just didn't seem to want to go away. So we made it through the first tooth... and now of course the one right next to it looks like its getting ready to make an appearance. At least I managed to get 3 nights of decent sleep for this one to start!

Sleep training... continued

Alright.. So I figured since Dominic seems to fall asleep fairly easily on the couch for his nap times that I should just re-create the couch in his crib and get him used to falling asleep in there. I brought up the same blanket I have him sleep on. And the other blanket I use as a bumper so that in case he decides to roll over for the first time he won't manage to fall off the couch. This still didn't work.

Then I realized that I had been lying down next to him to sing to him to get him to fall asleep when he's on the couch. Which in his crib didn't seem to be working out so good leaning over to try to cuddle with him. I did manage to fiiiinally get him to fall asleep on his own in his crib........ I just had to climb into the crib with him to cuddle him............. But hey it worked! Baby steps!!

I suck at sleep training!

Dominic used to go to sleep so great - at night he breastfed to sleep, but it never seemed to be a problem because he would fall asleep on his own during the day. But now it seems I have to sing or talk to him to get to sleep, or breastfeed him or rock him. He can't seem to just doze off on his own (except while in the car or stroller!).

So I tried today to try to get him to fall asleep on his own in his crib for his nap (usually he just naps in the living room during the day for the most part) and it was unsuccessful. I tried just talking to him and reassuring him and then walk away. I tried vacuuming. I tried singing to him again. After all that failed after half an hour and he was still whining (wasn't crying at least) I picked him up and gave him a boob which took about 4 minutes before he passed out. I tried even stopping while he seemed sleepy to put him in his crib - but really he was already asleep! Guess it's going to be a work in progress...

How come nobody tells you it feels this way?? Because there's no way to describe it.

I knew that I would love being a Mom. When I saw kids hug there parents, or tug on their arm, I was that awkward person looking and smiling at them as I pictured my own child in the future doing the same to me. Now that Dominic is 4 months old, I can't fully describe how it feels to be a Mom and how much I love him. I never had this aha moment where my heart felt like it was going to burst with love the first time I saw him. The first time I saw him I was overwhelmed definitely with love, but also questions, new parent anxieties, etc.

It seems that as the anxieties wear off and I've gotten more comfortable in my role as a mother the more I've been able to bond with this amazing little man that I have. I don't really know when it happened exactly, but I have this unconditional, undying love that I can't describe for him. I've caught myself tearing up when he just smiles and giggles at me. Even when he takes a break from breastfeeding to babble to me I've caught myself getting tears in my eyes because its like he's whispering a story to me that nobody else understands. I get choked up seeing any kid or baby hurt on TV. And I have this need to protect Dominic at all costs. I would do absolutely anything to protect this little baby of mine even if it means giving up my own happiness, well-being or life. Every day I spend with Dominic I fall more and more in love with him and can't imagine my life without him. I dread the day that he's grown up and doesn't need me anymore, but am also so excited to interact with him and watch him grow and learn and see the man he becomes.

And the world's fastest eater award goes to......... New moms everywhere!

Alright. I admit that with a new baby around the house I have not only mastered the art of putting a quick meal together in 30 seconds or less and showering in 30 seconds or less, I have also learned how to eat an entire meal (drink included) in 30 seconds or less. Well maybe 60 seconds. I was able to master these very important skills thanks to my son, who mastered the skill of fussing for a diaper change, food or attention the second I tried to do something for myself. He didn't mind if I had to skip meals or did not manage to shower for 2 days.

Even now that Dominic is almost 4 months old, and I don't have to rush through everything because he stays content for longer and sleeps for longer, I still find myself inhaling my food. Which everyone likes to point out to me and get a good laugh in. I can get my food last from the whole family, and still finish in record timing and beat everyone else. Don't judge me that I can't shake the habits of a mother with a newborn! Dominic still has his days that he decides I shouldn't be able to shower or eat so these skills still come in handy so I'm not quite ready to get rid of them just yet.

It took having a baby to make me appreciate my body

I had heard from some women that after their pregnancy they loved their body and were so proud of it. I thought how backwards that must be. How can you like your body after having a baby??

Before I was pregnant I never realized how bad my complex about my weight was. I thought I always needed to tone up more or lose more weight. I never appreciated my body and always thought I had to fix it. I was constantly trying to watch what I ate (which was really hard because I LOVE food and cooking and baking). It was extremely hard for me to get fat throughout my pregnancy, even though I knew it was for a good cause and it was making my baby healthy. I finally gave up trying to work out because well after 3 months of nausea and exhaustion I just didn't have it in me. And then after that I was still just tired and going to work all day was enough to put me to bed by 9pm.

My son is coming up on 4 months old, and I haven't lost any weight since the week after he was born. While I feel I look better than I did then and my stomach looks almost back to normal now, I still have 25-30 pounds to lose to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight... and more importantly, get back into my pre-pregnancy clothes. I don't worry half as much about my weight now as I did before I got pregnant, and now that I try on my jeans and can't fit into them I can't believe I ever thought I was fat!!!!  I do find it really hard to lose weight though. Everyone said how you'll burn calories and lose weight so fast when you're breastfeeding, I find it the opposite!  I have to eat to make sure my body is making milk and well balanced so my son is getting what he needs. I never ate this much before I was pregnant!

Baby food maker - what system is best?

So I have only done a little reading on what to feed Dominic once he starts eating solids. I know to introduce things slowly, track what he likes and what he doesn't, watch out for any reactions that he has, etc. I've also decided that I would like to make my own baby food. I'd like to avoid preservatives, sugar, etc. So now I'm faced with if I should invest in one of the numerous systems out there for making your own baby foods and storing them.

My question is what system is best??! Are there any mothers out there that could help me out and tell me about their experiences with these various systems (ie. Baby Brezza, Baby Bullet, etc). I've seen ones that not only blend the food but cook it too! I'm thinking I want to go in this direction, but do they really work okay?? Please comment to tell me about your experiences!

What happened to my sleeping angel?!

I've been pretty lucky with Dominic. The first few weeks of course he was getting up every 2 hours on the dot to eat, but after that they quickly spread out and I was only getting up 2-3 times throughout the night. He'd sleep from about 9pm to 9-10am with getting up just 2 or 3 times. By two-two and half months he was sleeping from 9-10pm until anywhere from 4-6:30am and then would sleep again for at least another couple of hours. I felt so lucky! He did this for a few weeks.

I came up north to my family's favourite vacation spot for almost a whole week, since when I'm working I can usually only manage a couple of nights and wanted to take advantage of my time off. But Dominic doesn't seem to be appreciating the time away! He's been going to bed either later or earlier than usual and is up by 1am, then again at 4am, then again at 6:30 (which if I bring him to bed with me he'll sleep till 8:30 - so this is what I've been doing every night now!). I'm hoping its just because we're away and he's not used to the surroundings. I really hope I haven't changed his sleeping habits now and I'll have to be getting up all throughout the night again!

I have so many worries about him being sleep trained properly and I know I've broken so many cardinal rules. Put them down for naps (I frequently hold him rather than putting him to sleep), I breastfeed him to sleep (a big no-no from what I've read!), I rock him to sleep when he doesn't seem to want to stay asleep when I put him in his crib, and I give him a soother when he wakes up just after being put in his crib (which instantly puts him back to sleep). I hope I have the strength to start trying to sleep train him properly!

Preparing for having a newborn

Preparing for having a newborn:
1) Learn to accept help. You are  not superwoman and it is okay. Having food brought to you for the first month is the best gift ever. And if people offer to help clean. TAKE IT. Do not feel guilty that you cannot get everything you want to done in a day.
2) Having stitches and a non-stop period for 5 weeks is awful. Just walking is uncomfortable. Take epsom salt baths (again this will require help to watch the baby). I unfortunately didn't finally find the time to do this till week 5 and it made a dramatic difference.
3) Don't expect your partner to take on as much as you want with helping with the baby and the house. If you think you're overwhelmed - they are even more so. Of course they don't have the stitches and the uncomfortableness, but they don't seem to feel the need to just suck it up and seem to have to mourn the loss of their old life.
4) Learn how to do anything for yourself in 60 seconds or less. This includes eating, peeing, showering, phone calls, etc. As soon as you try any of these tasks, the baby will wake up and start to cry.
5) You won't be able to exercise and lose your baby weight as fast as you thought. You'll be uncomfortable, you'll be too tired, and you won't have time.
6) Don't try on your pre-pregnancy clothes. I got this advice from a friend and didn't listen. No reason to make yourself feel bad!! I thoroughly resent those women that are able to fit into their old clothes right after their baby is born. And I mean that in the nicest possible way of course.
7) Forget adult conversation. Everything is baby all of the time. No matter what people try to do to talk about something other than the baby, the conversation inevitably turns into talk about poop, breastfeeding, cute things the baby did. I've even caught myself giving my boyfriend the over-exaggerated kiss (sound affects and all) that I give the baby. Although he may act like the bigger baby sometimes... not necessary to kiss him like he is one.
8) Lay down the law when it comes to visitors and relatives. Or at least do the best you can. It's extremely hard. In-laws are invasive and often offensive (for those of you who get along with yours make sure you appreciate them! I have a mother-in-law that came over and told me that she had 4 kids and always had dinner on the table and you have to make your man happy, and I should be cooking during the day to make sure there's food for him when he gets home). It seems every time she comes over she tries to make me feel inadequate. I'm sorry I have a 4 week old and a proper full course meal was non-existent except for when food was brought to us. I made every quick dinner I could think of, and sometimes that didn't even get done.
9) Take time to yourself!! When the baby was sleeping during the day force yourself to put them down and do something for yourself. I used to go sit out on the back porch even for 10 minutes to have a tea and it made my day so much better.
10) Get used to doubting yourself and comparing your baby's progress to others. I'm constantly haunted by the thought that I'm doing something wrong and that Dominic isn't progressing enough and comparing to how other baby's his age are doing. At the same time having other mom's to ask questions about what to expect and what to do was one of the biggest comforts I've had.
11) Don't let people talk you into going against your instincts!! If I had given into my boyfriend and mother-in-law I would have given up on breastfeeding a day after the baby was born and we wouldn't still be going at 3 months. Its the hardest thing to listen to yourself when you have people berating you that he's not eating enough and formula feeding is better (seriously where are they even getting their information?! What they said wasn't even making sense and I knew it was ridiculous but they still made me doubt myself and made it so much harder than it should have been).
12) Get in touch with as many mom's as you can, or family or friends. Having a good support staff will make everything so much better and enjoyable.

Preparing for the birth of your first baby

I came across a list of how to prepare for having a child... Here's my own list for preparing for birth...

Preparing for Birth:
1) Ensure someone else other than your significant other is around to help through contractions (a woman who has been through labour) - their job is to tell your significant other what to do and to tell him when he's saying something stupid. Men just don't get it. Hopefully you're lucky enough to have a partner that realizes this is painful and hard to go through and knows his role as your support person. But don't be surprised if you don't have one of these.
2) Do not think you are going to be one of those women that have their baby early and have a quick labour. You're not that lucky. Expect not to sleep for 2 days while having contractions every 10 minutes or less. At least if you do have a shorter labour you will have prepared for the worst.
3) Throw out the idea that it doesn't hurt that much and you can do it without drugs. You will feel differently when the time comes. Any woman that does it without drugs and says its not that bad is either a liar or a hero. Congratulations if you're a hero. I am not a hero and had the epidural and it was WONDERFUL. I refuse to feel bad that I did not do it naturally.
4) Expect your in-laws to bombard you in the hospital and to start right from the first minute about what you should be doing. ie. The baby is hungry even if he just ate 5 minutes before them showing up. And they will hover to make sure you're doing it right and tell you you're not. Even if the nurse says you are.
5) You will feel overwhelmed, scared, and doubt yourself, all at the same time that you are the happiest you've ever been.
6) You thought you were uncomfortable before birth... just wait.
7) The sleep deprivation will get to you. No matter how much you think that you've been prepared because you can't sleep anyway when you're 8 months pregnant between the back ache and the peeing. Getting up to change and feed your baby turns you to a slight zombie. It does get better after a few weeks though! So get as much sleep as you can now!
8) You will have at least one nurse you do not like. I've heard of women that have had many more than that. They seem to think you should be all-knowing for your first baby and seem to enjoy being a snob about what an expert they are.
9) Spray bottles for after are GREAT! Get an extra one if you can. You'll know what I'm talking about after the birth.
10) When they say wait till your contractions are only 2-3 minutes apart, your water has broken, and until it REALLY hurts listen to them... partially... When they first start getting painful and closer apart but your water hasn't broken, you may think that it's okay to go. Unfortunately you will likely get sent home... and you will cry because you can't imagine it getting worse. But it does. Just don't listen to them about waiting until your water breaks. So many times it doesn't (mine didn't break until I was 9 cm and that was with the nurse helping it to break!).
11) Cut back on what you pack for the hospital. You won't use it. And the idea of having a nice outfit to wear when you leave the hospital is pointless. All you're going to feel like wearing is the biggest clothes you can get your hands on.

Good luck!! I would love to hear about other's experiences and other suggestions!

Mommy Guilt

Is there ever going to be a time when the guilt and worrying goes away? Or at least subsides a bit?  Dominic was 3 months on the 18th and I have not left him for more than 2 hours since he was born. I'm breastfeeding so it does make it difficult to get away, but I have been pumping milk (been storing it in the freezer) or giving it to him when I'm out. This weekend I have my friend's wedding. Before Dominic was born I told her that I wouldn't bring the baby to the wedding... I figured I would want the night off and it would be a good break. Now that the wedding is in a few days I have total anxiety about leaving him and feel guilty already. My Mom is going to watch him, which next to me, she has spent the most time with him which slightly eases my concerns. I often even refer to her as the 'baby whisperer' since when he was a new born it seemed that no matter what time of day it was, if he was hungry, wide awake, etc., my Mom could get Dominic to sleep. But now that he's a bit older and has some fussy times, I'm worried that he won't calm down. What if he doesn't get to sleep? What if he starts to wonder where I am and gets upset?

A night out doesn't seem like it should be a big deal, but I don't want to leave him! I'm thankful for breaks when I'm with my parents and other family and friends and they hold him and keep him amused, but I'm always there when he starts to fuss. I've been there for every bed time, every bath, every feeding. I cherish every bed time and love being able to get him to sleep. I worry that nobody else will be able to get him to bed (but also secretly love the idea that my boy wouldn't be able to sleep without me).

My worrying actually makes my mind go in the opposite direction too... am I setting my son up for anxiety by not letting go and spending more time away from him? If he never gets used to being apart from me isn't it going to make it harder when I inevitably HAVE to be away from him for work or some other reason. My mind gets pulled in so many directions about what's best for Dominic that sometimes I don't know what is needless anxiety and what is justifiable concern. And don't get me started about preparing for leaving him in daycare when I go back to work!

I love my stroller... even though it didn't cost a thousand dollars!

So while making my register for the baby.. my boyfriend and I were pretty overwhelmed with the amount of choices that had to be made. We went in thinking this was going to be so much fun... which turned into a stressful outing. First of all my boyfriend must have attention deficit disorder. Giving a man a gun to scan items is a terrible idea. The woman at Babies R Us hadn't even finished giving us her instructions before my boyfriend was out of the seat scanning random things. There's no good way to go about making your registry. I tried going by the order on the list that was given to us of must haves.. this lead us on a wild goose chase around the store. So then I tried to go aisle by aisle. Every time I stopped to look at something, I would look up and my boyfriend would be nowhere in sight. I'd find him half way across the store scanning things that I wasn't sure we necessarily needed or wanted. We couldn't keep to any kind of order.

Then there was the debate of what items were too expensive to put on a registry. Of course for your first baby you always want the best of the best and this is supposed to be a wish list, but then there's the guilt of asking for expensive items from family and friends. What kind of person does it make you if you put on the most expensive swing, high chair, stroller, etc.? What will my family think? We did try to tell everyone that we were happy with anything, and the list was open to improvisation, and by all means to shop around for deals at other places other than Babies R Us which is over priced and you can find the same items for far cheaper other places. And I ended up feeling guilty anyway since when we made the registry some items were on sale and it was a great deal, but some people didn't end up making the sale and they went back to normal prices!

So anyway.. we got through the registry. We registered for a stroller that came with the car seat, and the base for the car. It was $350.. which amazingly is one of the cheaper ones. My parents were amazing and got us it for the baby shower. I've been so happy with it. It's been great for walking the baby and packs up relatively easily to put in the car (though it is pretty big even folded). But there's people out there that spend $1000 on a stroller, and that every part to it is bought separately. Its crazy! I'm sorry but I want the absolute best for my son but I think that it's insane to spend that kind of money for something that you won't use for that long. Even if I had it to spend (which I definitely don't) I wouldn't have bought a stroller for that much. I refuse to be shamed by those who do!

Family politics... how to handle the in-laws?

My boyfriend's sister had her baby about 5 months before Dominic was born.  At first I thought how great to have someone that's been through this right before me so I can go to her with questions, get advice from, etc. I quickly realized that this wasn't a blessing. It was more a complication of how to deal with the in-laws when we choose different ways of raising our babies. That I will forever be compared to how she did things and have to rationalize my choices and argue with them when I want to do things differently. This became obvious to me even before Dominic was born. I knew even then that I would forever be known as the bitchy controlling mother to my boyfriend's side of the family. And of course this has come true and I'm learning to live with it, though it definitely has caused problems with my boyfriend and I.

The first moment I realized this was to be my fate was when every time Dave's nephew made a sound, he was given a bottle. He must have be hungry they claimed. Even Dave's sister had said that the doctor had told them to stop giving him so much formula, but Dave's mother of course ignored that and still was giving him about twice as much as was recommended.

The second time I became concerned about how I was going to deal with his family was when Dave's sister and mother came over to visit with the baby. They were nice enough to bring us some ice cream. It was a beautiful night and we were sitting in my backyard, then to my shock, they were dipping their fingers in the ice cream and giving it to the baby who was 3 months old. I'm fully against stepping in and saying anything about her choices and giving advice on raising a baby, I was after all still just pregnant and haven't even been there. But I did mention I thought that you weren't supposed to give sugar to babies until at least a year (this is how we've always done it in my family - the first sugar is giving on the first birthday). She said well there's sugar in formula, and she's been giving him some juices from fruits and that already. I dropped it. I didn't want to get involved. I was sure all babies needed until 6 months were formula or breastmilk, in some cases you can start introducing some things early. After they had left, I told Dave that we're not going to be giving Dominic sugar for at least his first year, which caused a fight. Dave has a need to protect his family and thinks that everything they do is right. He said they're not doing anything wrong and a little bit is okay. I said its not about right or wrong, but we're not going to be doing that with our son.

By 5 months, Dave's mother was literally spoon feeding the his nephew ice cream, giving him icing from a cake, and almost gave him gingerale. I couldn't even watch when they were giving him the ice cream. Dave even made a comment that it was too much. Again, I'm not one to comment on what's right or wrong, but I still couldn't believe it. I may be overly cautious and read too many books and articles, but I know I don't want that being given to my son.

When Dominic was first born dealing with Dave and his mother was a total nightmare, and made having a new baby even more stressful. We were having trouble breastfeeding the first couple of days because my son was a sleepy baby and would fall asleep (at the time I didn't know that I was supposed to keep waking him up). Dave and his mother told me I was starving the baby, that he's hungry, that he's too small and losing weight (he did lose weight the first day, and after that wasn't gaining weight very quickly, but after 5 days we went to a lactation consultant and to make sure he was gaining weight), and his mother even told me that her 4 kids never cried, and clearly I'm doing something wrong.  All I could do was cry. Luckily I had my mother, and my cousin to support me and we managed to tough it out. We listened to the doctors and the lactation consultant and kept going. For the first month my boyfriend still would tell me every time the baby made a noise that my boobs weren't working and he's not eating enough and we should formula feed. But I resisted and listened to the doctors - who were very happy with his progress. Finally Dave stopped and gave in that that breastfeeding was in fact working. Every now and then he says he wants to formula feed, but he's realized I'm not giving up on it. So for now I'm safe... they seem to butt out and leave me alone to feed the baby now and Dominic is 3 months old. But I'm terrified of what's going to happen when I do start introducing other foods - are they going to think they have a free pass to give him whatever they want without clearing it with me? Are they going to overfeed him every time he makes a sound (his mother still every time he's awake says he's fussy and must be hungry)? How do I explain why I don't trust them alone with my baby without causing them to be upset or my boyfriend to get angry at me? I think the worst is yet to come when dealing with my in-laws... and my boyfriend for that matter.

Men... Not always so supportive...

My boyfriend and I hadn't been together very long before I got pregnant... I thought it was a great idea to go off the pill in case in the future it caused problems getting pregnant when I wanted to. I had been on it for 10 years and figured that was enough. Of course I never suspected that I would get pregnant within 2 weeks of stopping the pill!  I like to think of Dominic as my happy accident =) But of course a baby in a new relationship is pretty stressful. And my boyfriend, turns out doesn't take stress very well. During my pregnancy, especially at first he was great. I was sick to my stomach or completely exhausted, or both for about 90% of the day for the first three months. He helped around the house, he made food for me that didn't turn my stomach. But as time went on, he was more stressed out about our upcoming arrival in our little family. He didn't feel he had to go to prenatal classes. He didn't even want to watch the online prenatal videos that I got as a compromise to actually going to the prenatal classes. He didn't want to read a book, an article, take off work to go to doctor's appointments.

I was surrounded by friends and family that had boyfriends/husbands that went to every doctor's appointment, went to classes, read books. I felt kind of lost and upset by this. Here I was doing all the work and my boyfriend didn't seem to want to participate. He actually told me one time what was there to know.. you go in.. push it out. We'd just listen to the doctors he said. And that everything would be fine, I'm healthy and that's all there is to it. I'm not sure if he was trying to convince himself or me. He was so determined that there would be no complications that it made me really worried what he would do if there was one!

During my actual labour.. which was ridiculously long.. he didn't seem to get that I was in a lot of pain and he was supposed to support me. I had started having contractions on Monday the 16th around 6:30 pm.  We went to the hospital that night and got sent home since I was hardly dilated and my water hadn't broken. They told me my contractions would probably stop. They never did. I never had contractions more than 10 minutes apart. By the following afternoon, this was still going on and I was still at home. My boyfriend went to work even while my mother stayed with me. He had come home for lunch and during one of my contractions he asked if I could send out a couple resumes for him by email. As I looked up at him like I wanted to rip his face off, my mother explained I was going through a contraction. He nodded and said "Yah okay, but when you get a minute can you do that? I've got to get back to work". Totally oblivious. Yah let me get on that for you... no big deal, I'm not busy or anything right? Later that night, after having contractions   now for over 24 hours, completely exhausted because I haven't been able to sleep for more than 2 minutes at a time and in almost unbearable pain, my mother said this is crazy, we're going to to the hospital again. I never did have contractions consistently 2-3 minutes apart, and my water had never broke.

When I told Dave I wanted to go back to the hospital, he told me to just lie down and try to relax. Because its so easy to get some relaxation time and sleep in when you're having contractions. Why didn't I think of that?! By the time I got to the hospital, they took me in and checked me out... I was 7cm dilated and the nurse said the baby's head was way down there that she hardly had to put her finger in to touch it. Great. I could have gone in hours earlier and gotten drugs! I told them to get me an epidural ASAP. During my pregnancy I wasn't so sure about the whole needle in the spine thing, but after about 30 hours of contractions, they couldn't get those drugs into me fast enough! All I can say is.. I don't know how women go without it!  After the drugs it seemed to be easy sailing and I was sleeping through my contractions. Another 8 hours later, I only had to push for about 25 minutes before Dominic graced us with his presence. During my pushing I even asked the nurse if I was doing something wrong since I wasn't screaming like the woman across the hall was... they explained she didn't have an epidural. I have a whole new respect for those that have gone without!  After about 2 hours of Dominic being born, Dave decided he was going to go home and shower and nap... 7 hours later he finally came back... not even flowers in hand. I was alone in the hospital all day... As happy as I was to have my baby boy finally.. I was terrified and overwhelmed. The nursing staff was amazing at making me feel comfortable though, and a visit from my sister and her soon to be husband (3 days after Dominic was born to be exact) helped to calm my nerves. So all of you that have those supportive men in your lives count yourselves lucky! Thank God for my mother as well!! She was my rock through everything!

Worrywart

My over-active imagination seems to have gotten worse since becoming a mother. Before Dominic was born I did tend to over-think and over-analyse every situation, but now my mind takes me to these awful morbid places thinking of every bad outcome of everything I do throughout the day, and even things that I don't have to worry about for months or years!

Every time I walk down the stairs with Dominic in my arms I picture myself tripping and falling with him and what would happen to him. When I'm eating, I picture when he starts eating solids - what if he chokes - will I be able to save him? Every movie I watch that the parents die, I now not only get a little teary eyed - I start to full out cry.. thinking what would Dominic do if I was gone, and I picture him crying and nobody being able to comfort him - or worse... what if he didn't miss me? If he's been sleeping too long, is he still breathing? I've had nightmares of Dominic in the bath and he keeps slipping under the water and nobody is there to lift him up. I've never been flooded with so many bad thoughts before.

I can't believe I used to laugh at my Mom for crying at sad commercials... now I know what she was going through!  Really puts things in perspective of why my parents used to worry so much about me. I'm sure she was going through the same thing of thinking the worst.  I wish I could get all these awful morbid thoughts out of my head but I guess its made me more cautious with everything I do with Dominic. My boyfriend, not so lovingly, refers to me as the nazi. But I'd prefer to be too careful than not careful enough... so I'll choose to ignore the nickname. I guess men don't get the flood of every possible outcome to every situation?

Armageddon-poop

My son Dominic is now almost 11 weeks old. I've been breastfeeding (my challenges with that will come in another post!) and he's been one of those babies that has regular bowel movements. I've heard of babies that only poop a couple times a week, mine is not one of those. He poops 2-3 times a day, usually even at the same time. So when he didn't poop Sunday, I was expecting the outcome to be bad. But I was not at all prepared. He's had some big poops but they didn't compare.

When I heard him poop, it didn't even sound that bad, and I didn't rush to go change him. For some reason my son has an aversion to a wet diaper - he'll instantly starts to cry the minute he pees (which is at least 12 times a day) but poop - he could sit it in it all day and not be bothered. He actually started to fall asleep after this episode like he'd just had a long day at work. I realized his leg was all wet, thinking he had just peed as well and I hadn't done a good enough job fastening his diaper, we went upstairs. And then I realized when I took off his pants that noooo that's not pee. 4 baby wipes and a bath after, he was finally all clean. And of course because I'm such a generous and sharing person, I put the picture not just up here, but up on facebook for all to enjoy my son's achievement in ruining an outfit! Some of the reactions from the non-parents were definitely worth it!  You never could have told me prior to being a parent that I would get such joy out of poop. In the first few days of his life, seeing the black tar like poop was exciting because I knew that meant that things were happening as it should, and then when he started having the seedy yellow poops I was excited because I knew that meant he was eating enough. But now I'm scared what I have in store when he starts eating solids if this is what I'm getting at 11 weeks!

Glowing pregnancy?

During my pregnancy I heard from and read about women that loved pregnancy. They felt great, they had the infamous glow, they loved their big bellies, etc. I was not one of those women.  I kind of secretly hated those women for making me feel like a bad person for not loving the whole pregnancy experience. First of all... being nauseous for 80% of the day for close to 3 months... not so enjoyable. Especially suffering through the work day surrounded by people that have no idea you're pregnant. I had to constantly be snacking to get through the nausea. But its really hard to eat when you feel sick to your stomach. And I never did have cravings. But for the first 3 months the idea of meat made me want to throw up. And of course my boyfriend's favourite restaurant is a Greek place where he likes to get a platter of meat. Even though he knew my meat aversion it never failed that when we were going out the first place he suggested was this restaurant. Nothing makes you feel like a bitch more than saying no EVERY weekend to your boyfriend's favourite place to eat. Then the one time I finally give in and go, he gives me crap that I don't want to share the platter o' meat. I wish I could have made him feel for one day how I felt for three months so he would get a clue.

I was more exhausted than I ever have been in my life too on top of the nausea. I was always such a light sleeper before I was pregnant and it always took me at least half an hour to get to sleep. Napping was nearly impossible unless I was recovering from a hang over. But turns out pregnancy is like the best sleeping pill you could ever buy. Except that it never stops working. Even in the boardroom when your vice president is talking. Nausea, hot boardroom and exhaustion are not a good mix. I started nodding off.. you know where you do the head bob when you fall asleep and instantly wake back up once your head falls. Super embarrassing. Of course my vice president didn't know I was pregnant, and even when I told him after when he confronted me on the head bobbing.. still to this day he comments how he's surprised I'm awake when he sees me. Like being a woman and having to leave work for mat leave isn't a career halter by itself... falling asleep in front of the vice president sure doesn't help matters. I literally was able to put my head down when me and my colleagues were eating lunch together and pass out in seconds. My boyfriend couldn't believe how much I was sleeping and couldn't understand why I couldn't get through a movie!

It turns out that I also had a huge complex about my weight. I did realize I was always very conscious about my weight and was always kind of thinking I needed to get back in shape. But it was really hard for me to gain weight even though it was for a good cause!!

The funny thing is... now that I've had the baby.. I actually do miss being pregnant. It's funny how mother nature works. You forget just how bad the nausea was (at the time I couldn't understand why anyone would go through it more than once!), how tired you were, how awful it felt to be fat (especially in the summer when everyone is wearing short shorts and you feel like a whale), how much your back hurt (4 pillows still couldn't keep me comfortable for more than an hour by month 8). And I would do it all over again..... given the right circumstance!